Family conflicts can simmer for years, becoming increasingly bitter over time. What might have started as a minor misunderstanding can evolve into a deep chasm between family members and even between generations.
Warring families might consider observing Conflict Resolution Day (October 19), which aims to promote peaceful and creative ways to resolve disputes and reach mutually acceptable solutions. However, it’s not always easy when emotions run high.
While disagreements are a natural part of everyday life, when family members misinterpret each other or become overly heated and emotional about certain issues, such disagreements can escalate into serious problems. If these disagreements persist over time, the structures that hold the family together can start to weaken, and the atmosphere can become stressful and tense.
Main causes of family conflicts Money:
Finances top the list of reasons for conflicts in families. Money or its absence can cause daily stress, especially if families are struggling to make ends meet. If someone is unemployed, it puts even more strain on the family budget. Other conflicts can arise when someone lends money to another family member, and there’s no plan for repayment. Some of the worst arguments and disagreements can occur when a parent dies, and children and other beneficiaries argue over the will. In our work as therapists, we’ve heard of families breaking apart due to misunderstandings about who inherits what and how property is divided.
Attention:
Someone gets too much attention, while someone else gets too little—another significant source of family disputes. Siblings compete for their parents’ attention regardless of their age and can get upset if they feel their brother or sister is getting preferential treatment. Adult children may feel neglected if their parents are too busy or too stressed to interact with them frequently enough. Lack of attention can manifest in various ways. And what about a family member who isn’t invited to a wedding, isn’t included in celebrating grandma’s 80th birthday, or isn’t invited to the christening of a newborn? These omissions can feel like significant snubs that can hurt and leave scars.
High expectations:
Blood is thicker than water, as the saying goes. Expectations of family members are also higher. A parent may expect their child to grow up to be just like them and follow in their career footsteps. A brother or sister may expect others to put in more effort in preparing for an upcoming big birthday. An aunt really wishes her busy nephews visited her more often. Expectations are heightened simply because they’re family.
In-laws:
Relationships with in-laws can be complicated. It’s a topic that often brings people to therapy when they just can’t get along with the other side of the family. They tend to be at one end of the spectrum: either too intrusive and meddling or seeming distant and indifferent. In either case, these relationships can be a huge source of conflict.
Communication:
Rudeness, lack of gratitude, spending too much time on smartphones, not returning calls, showing disrespect, taking things for granted— all these actions can eventually erode relationships. Communication breakdowns can lead to mixed messages, misunderstandings, and a cold reception.
Tips for Resolving Family Conflicts:
- Agree to negotiate. Decide whether the issue is worth addressing and if your relationship is worth fighting for. If so, agree to sit down and work it out.
- Check your mindset. Are you entering negotiations to prove your point and win the argument? Or do you genuinely want to achieve a peaceful resolution? Reflect on your intentions. The first path will lead you nowhere but moral superiority. The second may give your family relationships a chance to heal.
- Cool off first. Don’t engage in negotiations with raging anger. It will only make you emotional and volatile. Take time to cool off so you can approach the table with a more open mind and heart.
- Own your part in it. Every story has two sides. Disagreements arise between two or more people. You’re only responsible for your role in the disagreement. Don’t take all the blame for what happened. Similarly, don’t completely blame someone else.
- Listen. Don’t sit waiting for an opportunity to interject your reply to impose your point of view. Listen to the other perspectives shared with you. You’re not obligated to agree with everything they say. You can agree with some parts and disagree with others. A powerful tool after someone has spoken is to say, “So, I hear you’re saying this. Did I understand correctly?” The other person will feel heard, and perhaps become a little less prickly.
- Use “I” statements. The structure of your statements can make a big difference. Don’t say, “You make me feel useless/unhappy/angry.” It can ignite the other person. Instead, if you say, “When you do this, I feel upset,” it shifts the responsibility to you and your feelings without assigning blame to the other.
- Seek outside support. If you feel unable to resolve issues on your own, it may be time to seek help from experts. Mediators and family therapy services can assist in resolving your dispute. As neutral observers, they don’t take sides or judge who’s right or wrong. They can help you explore new options you may not have tried. Otherwise, if you feel emotionally overwhelmed by the entire family experience, you may want to discuss the situation with a counselor or therapist to understand what happened and improve your emotional resilience.
