The term “codependent” may be familiar to you: a codependent person is typically defined as someone who is needy and clingy, whose life revolves significantly around the person they love. The other, less known end of the spectrum, is known as counter-dependency: when a partner appears strong and self-sufficient on the surface but deep down struggles with intimacy and, therefore, struggles with relationships.
Very often, as family therapists, we see one codependent and one counter-dependent partner in a relationship: one is needy and anxious, while the other is avoidant and distant. It may take some time for the couple to understand each other’s needs and adapt their behavior to support such relationships.
Codependency expert Melody Beattie defines a codependent person as “someone who allows another person’s behavior to affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior” (from the book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself”).
Counter-dependency experts Janae B. Weinhold and Barry K. Weinhold say, “People with counter-dependent behavior seem strong, confident, and successful on the outside, while inside they feel weak, fearful, vulnerable, and needy. They excel in the business world but often struggle in intimate relationships” (from the book “Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependency – the Other Side of Codependency”).
The Roots of Counter-dependency It is said that counter-dependency begins in childhood, between six months and three years of age.
Children may have been subjected to abuse or neglect, but in many cases, they were simply not seen, heard, or valued for who they truly were. They may have had to meet their parents’ needs, parents who were too tired, preoccupied, or self-centered to understand that the child also had needs. Perhaps they had to present themselves as perfect children with perfect behavior and achievements just to get any parental attention at all. Any request to meet their own needs may have been met with ridicule or rejection. Or worse, they may have been ignored. The child grows up fearing intimate relationships, and the thought of expressing needs invokes the fear of being abandoned or rejected. Thus, they maintain the appearance of being okay while feeling lost and lonely inside. And this can be incredibly frustrating for someone in a relationship with a counter-dependent person.
Signs of Counter-dependency
- You believe that if you get too close to someone, they will impose their thoughts and feelings on you, and you will lose yourself.
- You are desperately independent, refusing to ask for or accept help from anyone.
- You equate vulnerability with neediness, and the prospect of ever being needy sends a shiver down your spine.
- You fear getting too close to someone, afraid they will notice your hidden needs and fears and ultimately reject you.
- Your defense mechanism, developed in childhood to avoid pain, is like an impenetrable armor in your adult life. Yes, pushing people away protects you from pain, but it also keeps you from receiving love. This can lead to loneliness.
- You pay great attention to activity and achievements, work long hours, and make sure the world knows about your accomplishments—all to disconnect from your feelings.
- It’s important for you to look good and always be right, and you prefer to blame others when things go wrong. This can mask a fear of making a mistake and being shamed for it.
- You’re easily triggered, lack patience, and tend to go into a frenzy when things don’t go as you wish.
How to Work on Your Codependency
Recognizing that your codependent behavior is sabotaging your personal life can be the first step towards healing your fears and making changes that will allow you to get closer to someone. However, it can be a long, slow, and painful journey because you’ll have to confront your vulnerability in the process—and allow others to see it as well. If you are in therapy, it can make the process easier and help you maintain relationships while you go through this journey, help you identify your patterns, and determine healthier ways of relating. The journey may involve taking risks in your intimate life and finding the courage to connect with your true self and express it.
If you are in codependent or counter-dependent relationships and feel that you need help, please contact us today. We can assist you in understanding your situation through either individual counseling or couples therapy where you can come together with your partner.
